why am i so lost?

fuck! balls! shit! cunt! I am so lost. It something new to me, I wish it wasn't so scary to me. I'm becoming lazy as fuck. I am becoming complacent with the way my life is taking direction. I feel that my life is already taking its course for me and i hate it. I feel useless and unappreciated, but i am all of these things. I have all the love in the world from friends and family. why do i feel so down and out? i feel the necessity to get out of this place, i want to leave everything behind. i feel that i have wasted my entire year doing nothing. i feel like im wasting my life. i feel that im doing nothing productive with my life whatsoever. i hardly go to work. i hardly care if i go or not. i just want to go home and not care at all what the world brings, because i feel it is already set in stone. i feel so much pressure from myself to be the best i can be. i put so much pressure on myself. i feel the need to impress everyone, including myself. i am never complacent with anything anymore. i feel so selfish at times. i want to do my own thing, but i want people to expect something new from me. i feel so much pressure from myself, my family, my family. i am so caught up with what everyone will think of me when im older. i hate it. i feel my entire consists of my future nevertheless the present. i hate this feeling. i feel undriven, unwilling, and i feel the need to not give a flying fuck anymore. i am so confused on who i am, what i should do, why i should do it, when i should do it, when i should do it, where i should live, which direction i should take, etc. i HATE the way i have been feeling. i have always been so sure of myself. i have always felt that i knew where my life is going. now i feel that all my hopes and dreams are gone. i feel its too late to change anything. i feel so small. i feel like an ant in a jungle. useless and powerless. i don't know what i want in life. i am afraid to make a mistake. that is my fault that is my downfall. if only i knew what my future was maybe i'd feel better about my life, but thats impossible to say. i need to convince myself of trying to be perfect. i am always striving for perfection. i shouldn't strive for perfection, but for the best. i need a better way to perceive things. i tear myself down when i don't accomplish the things i know i can. my school work seems to be to me a distraction. i dont even care about turning in my work. i am waiting for the worst to happen lately. which is not the best for me, i am so used to using the worst of things to my advantage. i just feel a huge part of my life is gone, and i don't know what it is. is it yvette? is it my father? is it basketball? is it that dumb girl? is it just my denial to face the world? i feel no growth is happenening. after writing this whole fucking blog i still feel so lost. school has always been a sure thing for me, grades have always been a given for me. now its a struggle. direction in my life has always been a given as well, not anymore. i dont know who i am, where im going. all i think about is graduating and never seeing these people again. why can't i just enjoy my last year of high school. ive been so careful trying to make everything perfect. why is it so hard to live? why am i so lost?