Working Saturdays

Working Saturdays are the worst. I usually wake up an hour before I have to go in, groggy and out-of-it from the night before. I drag my ass from my bedroom to the shower, to the sink, to my closet, to the fridge, to the front door of my apartment. It is all familiar; it is nearly all the same each week. Now it has become routine. Every Saturday I have to go in midday and close at 6 p.m. Every Saturday I have to see her. She sits diagonally from me. She is a sweet, nice, small young woman. From time to time, I'll see her peak over her computer and look towards the front desk. These two are best friends. She loves her friend very much. They look out for each other. Every Saturday in my time of solitude, I see her on her computer. I can't help but know she is there somehow connected to her friend in some sort of way. It scratches me like a scratch to  an open flesh wound. It hurts, and then hurts some more. I'm trying all I can to detach, move-on, forget, and then I see her. I see you with her on the second day I met you. I see her friend and you walking around downtown Ann Arbor checking out the scene. I see that crazy sunset on top of that parking garage. I see you walking in the library with a friend, and I knew somehow someway someday I was going to hang out with you. I see you freely found your way to me to speak to me for a while; i liked that. I see you inviting me out to downtown Ann Arbor with her after work. I see me and you waiting for her to come outside of the library while you chatted with another friend of yours. I didn't mind. I was happy to be with you in that perfect moment. You smiled and laughed. You were radiant in the final days of summer. Every weekend when I work my Saturday shift, I see her and think of you. I think of you wanting to watch a movie. I think of you telling me all you know about your yoga. I think of you spending the night. Now that you're gone, I can't stop thinking about you entirely. You are in my daydreams, my happy places, and my fondest recent memories. You are in my breath, my blink of an eye, my smirk of a smile, and in my gaze of deep thought. There was once a time where I enjoyed working Saturdays. I enjoyed working Saturdays when I would get off work and go see you. I enjoyed racing through campus just to get to see you  Saturdays. Now I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll switch shifts for next semester. Maybe one Saturday these memories will fade.

lovesick

wasting time, doing everything but what needs to be done, same feeling as it was before I slept, insanely wondering what she does, unable to concentrate on my life, disappointingly remembering my fuck-ups, detached from the world around me, desperately seeking for a new day/a new thought, anything to keep me away from these blues. but, here I am just a fool. who am I to think I had one moment of greatness within me to make wrongs right? So, I drench that bridge. I soak it with gasoline. I make sure every thread, every fiber swims in gasoline. I, then, blowtorch it to ash and walk away.

Closely beyond reach

she smells of heavenly sweetness. when we touch accidentally, my nerves start up. my senses rise the hairs on the back of my neck. my nose flares up with attentiveness. my eyes dilate like a druggie. my heart pumps hysterically out of control. "make the move" yells my heart. "don't, you know better" whispers my brain. she sits waiting for me to quit my stalling. I talk about everything and anything. She politely responds. I'm dying from the inside. the room instantly gets warmer. I'm torn. why must I do this to myself? I finally get the courage to announce my departure. it's late. it's been late. I slowly gather my belongings. I politely thank her for her time. I stroll to the door waiting for something, anything. nothing. my heart sinks. why must I ponder like I do? I think too much without action. sometimes I act without thinking; that's when i'm really screwed. I reach for the door knob, turn it, and exit smiling. She shrugs her shoulders signaling me to hug her. I do. I hold on for too long. I say things that shouldn't be said. she pushes me away playfully? She smiles. hiding my anxiety, I smile. the door closes. I melt.

Move it

Get up off that thang. Mind over everything. Will over slumber. Perseverance over comfort.
Find your something. Motivate your complacent thoughts. Nothing is left to hold you back.
Look for it. Pull through. I'm rooting for you. Come out of the dark. Hustle some more.

Jammed finger

I reach out to touch the sensation I get when my palm touches your skin.
The way your eyes comfort mine when I have nothing to say still lingers in my memory as if I could remember the past.
The smokey pictures I have of you tight within my grasp will soon fade away with the breeze.
She has the power to help you. You choose not to ask.
You stay content with your life. You stay trapped in your thoughts, your lies, and your "why's".
Wake up, sober up, sit upright. Shouldn't your time be now? Shouldn't you want to change?
Don't you think you need it? Don't you think you've caused enough harm?
Don't you care as much as you say you do? Do it for you. Do it for your well-being.
Do it already. What are you waiting for? You want to be on the straight and narrow, but you can't. You're jammed. You're permanently un-fix-able. ...right? Wrong.

Don't

 Speak, talk into my ear. Listen to my whispers, as you said you liked.
Hear the high pitch in my voice, the crackin' of my voice struggling to stay composed through whisper.
Stay with me tonight for old times sake. Like you did that second night.
Come hear the rain pour down beside me as we watch the leaves scream for joy.
Sit, stay and watch the hairs on our luscious locks grow oily and longer together.
Let's enjoy time running away from us, the stress melting from our hugs, and sadness hiding from our endless lovely kisses.
Smile with me as we stare into each others eyes without a thought in our mind, nor a doubt, nor a whine.
Laugh with me as I try to make you laugh, but miserably fail with comedic timing.
Dance with me to our own tune and our own groove, like it's just you and me in this world, no one else.
Look away when we go our separate ways, for I'd hate to see you go but love to watch you leave.
Rest your head on my shoulders just like you once did and give me one last soft kiss.

Once

Today, I'll remind you again. I'll give you the love and joy you rightfully deserve. I'll take my time with you. I won't jump the gun. I'll put the work into it.

Hit me

Trying to smoke you away. Trying to find my balance. Trying to stay above water level. Just trying to live my life. Just trying to find my way. Just trying to stay away. Something tells me you're not going to let me. Something tells me you're stopping me already. Something tells me your sucking the life out of me. I wish I was wrong. I wish I could keep you out. I wish you went away. Let's hope you hear me out. Let's hope you give me the time and day. Let's hope you understand where I'm coming from.

Think again

You gotta take it easy, man. Take it one day at a time. Today is Tuesday. You're in Austin. Just take it easy. Enjoy your time, and have fun with your time. Don't over think it. Breathe. Whatever happens remember to smile. Remember to seize the day and embrace the joys in life. Laugh it up. But, keep strong. Soak up what you need and act with a conscious considerate mind. Just pause. 

I've got to tell  myself it's going to be alright. I need to tell myself shit will get better. I need to. If I don't, who will. You? Ha! You don't give a shit. If you do, what are you going to do about it? How could you possibly help? Would you mentally and emotionally be able to take that burden off my shoulders? No. The answer is no. That isn't a bad thing, nor is it a good thing. It is what it is.

Cry, cry, cry.

my hands are warm, up against my face.
they hide my sad face, and cover my teary eyes.
sadness is the first degree, i'm boiling over 212.
anger builds the fire inside, depression holds it within.

just give us a chance.
just give me a chance.

Momentum

At this time of night you've got it. You gotta keep on, keepin' on. You have to focus your shit on the prize. It'll be fun too.

Work

work harder, better, faster, stronger.
it isn't enough; it's never enough.
you haven't even peaked; shut up and push harder.
always grow; always improve.
don't be complacent. stay hungry.
pick it up. smile later.

Walking home

I've got my fitted Spurs cap on.

My headphones rest over, 

my ears are now covered, 

the bass is bumpin'.

my size 6 gauges are covered as well

the chord from the headphones run down my chest

it connects to "bass amplifier subwoofer" that clings to my pocket

the bass drum is kickin'.

the chord continues from the "subwoofer" and connects to my ipod

the ipod sits in the palm of my hand within my pocket

my shirt isn't tucked in; my pants are navy blue

the damn bass drum is thumpin'.

the shoes match my belt

my socks match my shirt and the bottom of the cap's bill

i've got my lucky hotdog boxer shorts

the bass guitar is jivin'.

Someday

I'm gonna hug ya until your eyes pop
I'm gonna swing you in my arms until the dizzys come
I'm gonna give you a big wet one of your cheek
I'm gonna hold you until I want to let go

Someday you'll figure out how much I miss you
Someday I'll tell you why
Someday I am going to grow some bigger balls
Someday I might just say goodbye

Foof

Tell me where you're going or
what is going wrong
I felt you leavin' before
You'd even gone

and hold me now
or never ever hold me again
no more talk
can take me from this pain i'm in
pain i'm in

see the moonlight shinin'
on your window pane
see it leave you
as faithful as it came

Please yourself so you
don't have to be afraid
make amends
or carry on another way
another way

tell me what you were thinkin'
to treat somebody so
the care he took
the lengths to which he'd go

coals are hot to walk across
without your shoes
but in the end
know that you got nothin' to lose
nothin' to lose

Sometimes I Miss You

Pictures are a terrible reminder.
Always reminding me of good times and good girls.
Good is a fib; there was nothing good about them, but how they looked and what it took
to make that look piercing back at me wanting more than just this one night.
The things I'd do to have you again in my grasp, under my wing, at my fingertips.
You knew how to make me roar, and have me chase for first base looking to round third and onto home plate.
It was when it was all fate, and it was all about getting that one date.
After that, the rest was in my court, my ball.
I'd say jump, and you'd leap.
I'd smile, you'd smile. I kissed, you kissed right back.
I touched, you touched back.
I'd take a hit, you'd take the next.

One more day

don't worry sweetie, I'll be home before you know it
one of these days we are gonna see the world
one of these days we are gonna travel the US
its gonna be one of those things people call "a roadtrip"

once we finish up in Hawaii, we'll travel to the moon
i've got a good view up there that I think we should check out
we can lay down and watch the meteors soar on by
we can defy gravity, defy all logic laying around in street clothes

if only the sun shined on us forever
if only the dark side of the moon didn't come so soon
if only we can stay happy in this moment forever
maybe we didn't have to live in the cold shadows

it's time to go home though
i'm sorry for dragging you out here
it seemed like a good idea in my head
you're just what I need, I swear
but it's time to go
we'll meet again, one day
just take it one day at a time

I kept your drawing

It's safe in the back of my book. I brought it out the other day just to return to the moment. I got carried away in the feeling. I remember the way he touched you. I remember his hidden motives. I remember his ways and how he treated you. I remember because he told me. He tells me. He talked to me about you. I wish he never did. I wish I didn't know all the things he mentioned when you weren't around. You were something gorgeous, something different. You are one of the those hidden gems, one of those pearls found at the bottom of the ocean stuck in a clam. I don't know why I keep that drawing. Maybe to show you how much I really do care, and how much I really have been wondering about you. Maybe I kept it to remind myself of you and him, and how we should never be. Maybe I keep it because I can actually show people proof that someone got me one day. You understood me that day creatively. That is why I kept your drawing. That is why I kept my drawing.

darling ain't it the truth

hold me now, never ever hold me again
i miss you so so so
much, i just can't feel
your head's imprinted on my pillow,
in my mind, in my mind.

don't leave me hanging;
if i do, please let me know
i'm sorry for not calling you
it's just in my head I see it done, through
your absence haunts my dreams
how can i be, when you aren't near?

i thought we had it all figured out
i thought i had it under wraps
i thought i knew what the problem was, perhaps?
i miss you too much; i want to turn away
i want to runaway and never come back.
at one point, I wanted you to runaway with me.
things, right now, just don't look like that

I'm sorry for having a heart like so
i just don't know what else to show
i'm hurting baby, far beneath, further than you'd ever know
i'm just trying to cope, darling
but i'm drowning and have forgotten how to swim
i would kiss you if i could
but i can't kiss someone who never really was here nor there

i went on tricking myself like I always do.
i went on believing in anyone else, but me again
i went on disappointing myself just like good ole times
I went went on losing you like I never knew you
I wish I could say I knew you like I did in this very moment forever
but darling that just ain't so true

Helpless Romantic

I am in a rut, I'm going nuts. I've seen beauty. I've seen booty. I've lusted. I've loved. I've kissed. I've "chugga-chugged". I've laughed. I've cried. I've smiled. I've frowned. I've sung. I've screamed. You've been beautiful in my dreams You've been ugly in my thoughts. I told you I liked you. You told me you liked me. I'll make you smile again, I'll sweep you off your feet again.

this latino had a bad day again

It's 1:52 a.m. and I'm dragging ass. I'm working on a paper talking about authorial devices, blogging, how describe what the author is saying in his writing. Of course, I decided to wait this work out until Sunday night. It didn't bother me waiting until tonight though. I need to get this work done. I'm on a mission. No more 'facebook'ing, just blogging. Latinos need a voice in this nation, why not me? I'm ranting. I'm deviating from my homework. I need to continue to write more. I need to quit being a little bitch. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I just need a good cry. I haven't had one of those in a while. I wasn't home for mother's day. This is the second time this has happened in the past three years. Okay, back to write. ccyyyyaaaaaaa <------Blue October - Hate

Monday

I smiled. You laughed. I kicked you. You kicked back. I smiled. You laughed.

ENGL 328: Writing, Style & Technology

Hello Cheryl Cassidy, This is my personal blog. I normally don't use this blog for public usage. I posts personal poems and short stories. I just thought I'd give you a heads up. However, I will be putting my posts on this blog. It is in synch with my gmail account, so I really have no other choice. No biggie. Look out for some more credible pieces of writing! Arturo

I can't walk

the mountain seems so high up. I don't know if I can do this. come on. we are almost there. just keep with it. you've got it. i'm losing my breath. my feet are killing me. we should leave. noooo! don't let me down. we just need a little bit more time. we just need a few more minutes. you promise? i need to make sure you're certain. i don't know what to do. don't worry so much. you need to relax. do what you got to do. i miss you too. ok, i trust you. but, hold my hand. i need your help. will you help me? i'll help you. just be willing to learn. you're hands are cold. you're gleaming with beauty. you're sweet. when are you leaving? i wish you would stay. i leave soon. i came to see you one last time. i wish i could stay too. don't get sad. i know you have to leave. when will you be back? i will be back a very long time from now. i'm going to miss you so much. i'm going to miss you too. come back to me. promise to never forget me? i will. i promise to be back. this is going to suck.

write away

right away i found my place within the words trapped in my brain write away is what i did to cope and to ease the pain right away i lost my mind in the eyes of your beauty write away is how i dealt with my crush even though it seemed a bit fruity right away i wrote away when i figured out i couldn't tell you what i really wanted to say write away is what i always told myself when the demons crept up and got in the way right away i spoke to myself in print on my journal where they always would stay write away is how i dealt with my demons within and their mischievous horseplay Can you read my words? Can you feel my pain? Do you understand now what it feels to be away?  I want to remember how to forget your love. Forget that, I just want it around. I want you in my arms where together we'll lay.

Hey you

Hey sweetheart, The world is sleeping, and I am...numb. It's almost 3, and the day will soon begin new. I want to destroy the chirping birds that echo throughout the dark cold night. I hate you so much right now. I can bleed and not feel pain, but for some reason I cannot like/love without your presence. It's different. It's unusual. I just want you near. I think about you constantly. I can't believe what I put myself through. I'm falling, and I don't like it. It's not right; it doesn't feel like the right way. I can't help but think the worst. I can't believe it. Will you still love me in July? Did you ever get close to that point? Have you held back? Should I do the same? I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew who you were doing. I wish I didn't. I wish my mind didn't work like this. I wish and bitch way too much. Don't forget me. Promise me that? Turo

What's it worth to you?

Would you do it all again? Was it worth your time? Was it worth the pain? If you could would you do it again? Would you change it up? Would you just give up? Was it worth the thought? Was she worth your time? Should you have you have let it happen? Should you have let him do it? Should you have stayed with her? Could you really make her happy? Is it time to say goodbye? Is it time to move on? Will it be that easy? How do you know everything will be alright? Was she really that easy? Do you think he really cares? Do you think he thinks like you? How could you let this happen? Where do you go from here? Will it all be worth it? How can you say no? Why now? Where did he leave to? How come I can't see him now? Why can't she just understand? Why can't you all understand? Is he really what you'd thought he'd be? How many times have we gone through this? How many times has she said it's going to be OK? How come? Why now? What is it? Would you talk to me? Should I have treated you better? Were you ever there? How much do you really believe everything that comes out of your mouth? When is enough, enough? Why can't you just stop? What are you doing with your life? Why can't you see what we see? When will we arrive to your conclusion? When will you see the pain you've embedded within us? Do you really think is was worth it all? Do you really think it was worth your time? Are you complacent with you life? Are you tired of it all? What more can you do? What more can you say? Why do you care to listen? Why do you care to breathe? Why have you chosen today? Why not yesterday? How does it feel to be wrong? Is this getting through to you and your thick skull? When will you quit smiling for once? When will you frown when you are sad? When will speak up when wrongdoing is being done? Why aren't they speaking up? Why haven't they asked how we're doing? Why do they turn away and act like nothing is wrong? Why are they hypocrites? Why can't you speak up for once? Why can't you say anything? Weren't you supposed to be the good ones? Weren't you supposed love us unconditionally? Weren't you supposed to care? Why has it come down to this? Why can't we breathe like normal human beings? Why can't all of this be a dream? Why us? Why you and me? Ever thought things could be perfect? What about normal? What is normal? Who is normal? Why are they normal? Don't you believe me? Don't you think anymore? Where are the answers to these questions? Where is our safe haven? Will this ever go away?