Midnight awaits

It's been raining. It's been dark for a few hours now. It's been a late start to my day. I worked 30 hours at minimum wage in three days to try and make some type of paper. I have been prepping for a video interview tomorrow with a charter school in Austin to become a teacher. I didn't go to school to be a teacher, but to be a journalist and a writer. I believe I would be a good teacher. I would give it my all to make sure these kids received the appropriate education they truly deserve. Everyone deserves to feel loved and cared about while trying to learn and progress with their education. I am beyond ecstatic that I decided to leave to southeast Michigan to get my bachelor's degree. It took me six years to satisfy all my credits and officially become an alumni of Eastern Michigan University. However, I did it. I accomplished it. I have to work my ass off again to get myself on the swing of working and creating an income to pay off all my debt to pursue this education. It was and will forever be worth it. I have the satisfaction of knowing that if I put my mind and energy towards anything in this world that I am capable of seeing progress, results, and quite possibly success. That is an undeniably grateful perspective to have of myself in this world. I can do it if I give it my all. That is such a beautiful gift to have and be able to share with the friends and people I love. I think about this possible position in Austin working at IDEA Academy as a teacher. This is such an incredible opportunity and I can already see myself doing the work and figuring it out. I am excited, nervous, scared, and heartbroken. Maybe, the timing isn't right. Maybe, I took too long. Maybe, I started too quickly. Back to organizing, I go.

Elsa cruise

It's always a pleasure driving from the house I grew up in to the inner city limits of Elsa, TX. The view is always a joy. Today for instance, there are still some sugar cane fields that haven't been burned yet, so just that sight alone is picture-worthy every time. It is in the middle of November and it's still sunny out with no real coldness to it. I get to drive through all 2 miles of the city before wandering into Edcouch, TX or somewhere outside both city limits but still in Delta Area territory. There are thousands of snapshots throughout this area. I see myself at different points in my life in different areas within the area. I think of adolescent years, elementary years, and everything in between. The sunsets are familiar. The buildings are still in the same places, new ones have filled in some of the gaps throughout the area. The spirit and pride is still the same. The corruption with drugs and money is still the same. It's an interesting place to live and grow. This area is a different type of machine. It works differently, but it works with passion and purpose. Driving around the city always gets me thinking of growth and cultivation in the area. How do we grow efficiently? How do we do things the right way? How do we make all our dreams come true in the realest and purest way? I think about Elsa because this place is unique, creative, inventive, and everything in between but they don't stay here long. There isn't funding here. There isn't much money to provide the area, right? Let me investigate more. These are the thoughts an Elsa cruise inspires.

Sickening and disheartening are all that I feel on this start of the a new semester. My intuitions were right. My gut feeling stayed true to reality. I was right. She told me, "I will not be mad if you go back home to Texas. I would understand." Those words felt like a heavyweight's mean right hook to the dome. The mere idea that she has put herself in a position of thinking about life without me in the future and her being understanding with that deeply saddens me. The harsh reality of the situation is that one day, if I haven't already done so, I will have to choose her over my mother, my sisters, my nephew, my relatives, and the friends I grew up with for the first 18 years of my life. I am extremely sad over this. I deeply miss everyone. I miss their presence. I miss being with them. I love her so much. I feel that I love her much more than she loves me. I feel myself being too clingy, too needy, too demanding, and just all in all too much. What is the right move now? What do I need to do to stay sane and keep this joy from returning?

Sometime after, this question seems to surface. Am I giving up my family and home for her? I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to be in love and to love unconditionally. Her friends think I am an angry drunk. I think I am a confused drunk. A saddened drunk looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle. I fear that the only remedy for my problem is to cut ties with everything. I have gained a comfort and expectation with this girl that I don't know if I want. I want to do great things, but within my timeline. I feel pressured to be this person that I am not. I feel like I am trying to be someone else that I am not. I feel like I am someone else now. I don't feel as passionate as I once was when she first met me. Did she do this to me? Did I allow her to take my soul away? Is she my scapegoat? I wish I could have things spread out and legible in plain sight right in front of me. Is she holding me back? I know she thinks I hold her back. She could be with some anthropologist, or some type of archaeologist, and she probably would be much more interested with her life than she is now.

Do we know what we need to do, but just don't want to go through the process face to face? I don't even know what to do anymore. I love her. I'm still attracted to her. I just don't think she still thinks of me the same way. I think the flame has past with her.

Holdin Back

Somethings I feel, I don't want to say
You don't need to know, I just want play
The words stay inside, it's just not my way
You carry on; my thoughts are here to stay

You just don't get it; I don't feel like explaining
You are always right; I agree to stop the complaining
I just want to feel loved; she feels we are fading
I want to be her everything; she doesn't think I'm trying

I wish she appreciated me more
I hope she still loves me like she did before