Sickening and disheartening are all that I feel on this start of the a new semester. My intuitions were right. My gut feeling stayed true to reality. I was right. She told me, "I will not be mad if you go back home to Texas. I would understand." Those words felt like a heavyweight's mean right hook to the dome. The mere idea that she has put herself in a position of thinking about life without me in the future and her being understanding with that deeply saddens me. The harsh reality of the situation is that one day, if I haven't already done so, I will have to choose her over my mother, my sisters, my nephew, my relatives, and the friends I grew up with for the first 18 years of my life. I am extremely sad over this. I deeply miss everyone. I miss their presence. I miss being with them. I love her so much. I feel that I love her much more than she loves me. I feel myself being too clingy, too needy, too demanding, and just all in all too much. What is the right move now? What do I need to do to stay sane and keep this joy from returning?

Sometime after, this question seems to surface. Am I giving up my family and home for her? I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to be in love and to love unconditionally. Her friends think I am an angry drunk. I think I am a confused drunk. A saddened drunk looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle. I fear that the only remedy for my problem is to cut ties with everything. I have gained a comfort and expectation with this girl that I don't know if I want. I want to do great things, but within my timeline. I feel pressured to be this person that I am not. I feel like I am trying to be someone else that I am not. I feel like I am someone else now. I don't feel as passionate as I once was when she first met me. Did she do this to me? Did I allow her to take my soul away? Is she my scapegoat? I wish I could have things spread out and legible in plain sight right in front of me. Is she holding me back? I know she thinks I hold her back. She could be with some anthropologist, or some type of archaeologist, and she probably would be much more interested with her life than she is now.

Do we know what we need to do, but just don't want to go through the process face to face? I don't even know what to do anymore. I love her. I'm still attracted to her. I just don't think she still thinks of me the same way. I think the flame has past with her.