Midnight awaits

It's been raining. It's been dark for a few hours now. It's been a late start to my day. I worked 30 hours at minimum wage in three days to try and make some type of paper. I have been prepping for a video interview tomorrow with a charter school in Austin to become a teacher. I didn't go to school to be a teacher, but to be a journalist and a writer. I believe I would be a good teacher. I would give it my all to make sure these kids received the appropriate education they truly deserve. Everyone deserves to feel loved and cared about while trying to learn and progress with their education. I am beyond ecstatic that I decided to leave to southeast Michigan to get my bachelor's degree. It took me six years to satisfy all my credits and officially become an alumni of Eastern Michigan University. However, I did it. I accomplished it. I have to work my ass off again to get myself on the swing of working and creating an income to pay off all my debt to pursue this education. It was and will forever be worth it. I have the satisfaction of knowing that if I put my mind and energy towards anything in this world that I am capable of seeing progress, results, and quite possibly success. That is an undeniably grateful perspective to have of myself in this world. I can do it if I give it my all. That is such a beautiful gift to have and be able to share with the friends and people I love. I think about this possible position in Austin working at IDEA Academy as a teacher. This is such an incredible opportunity and I can already see myself doing the work and figuring it out. I am excited, nervous, scared, and heartbroken. Maybe, the timing isn't right. Maybe, I took too long. Maybe, I started too quickly. Back to organizing, I go.

Elsa cruise

It's always a pleasure driving from the house I grew up in to the inner city limits of Elsa, TX. The view is always a joy. Today for instance, there are still some sugar cane fields that haven't been burned yet, so just that sight alone is picture-worthy every time. It is in the middle of November and it's still sunny out with no real coldness to it. I get to drive through all 2 miles of the city before wandering into Edcouch, TX or somewhere outside both city limits but still in Delta Area territory. There are thousands of snapshots throughout this area. I see myself at different points in my life in different areas within the area. I think of adolescent years, elementary years, and everything in between. The sunsets are familiar. The buildings are still in the same places, new ones have filled in some of the gaps throughout the area. The spirit and pride is still the same. The corruption with drugs and money is still the same. It's an interesting place to live and grow. This area is a different type of machine. It works differently, but it works with passion and purpose. Driving around the city always gets me thinking of growth and cultivation in the area. How do we grow efficiently? How do we do things the right way? How do we make all our dreams come true in the realest and purest way? I think about Elsa because this place is unique, creative, inventive, and everything in between but they don't stay here long. There isn't funding here. There isn't much money to provide the area, right? Let me investigate more. These are the thoughts an Elsa cruise inspires.

Sickening and disheartening are all that I feel on this start of the a new semester. My intuitions were right. My gut feeling stayed true to reality. I was right. She told me, "I will not be mad if you go back home to Texas. I would understand." Those words felt like a heavyweight's mean right hook to the dome. The mere idea that she has put herself in a position of thinking about life without me in the future and her being understanding with that deeply saddens me. The harsh reality of the situation is that one day, if I haven't already done so, I will have to choose her over my mother, my sisters, my nephew, my relatives, and the friends I grew up with for the first 18 years of my life. I am extremely sad over this. I deeply miss everyone. I miss their presence. I miss being with them. I love her so much. I feel that I love her much more than she loves me. I feel myself being too clingy, too needy, too demanding, and just all in all too much. What is the right move now? What do I need to do to stay sane and keep this joy from returning?

Sometime after, this question seems to surface. Am I giving up my family and home for her? I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to be in love and to love unconditionally. Her friends think I am an angry drunk. I think I am a confused drunk. A saddened drunk looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle. I fear that the only remedy for my problem is to cut ties with everything. I have gained a comfort and expectation with this girl that I don't know if I want. I want to do great things, but within my timeline. I feel pressured to be this person that I am not. I feel like I am trying to be someone else that I am not. I feel like I am someone else now. I don't feel as passionate as I once was when she first met me. Did she do this to me? Did I allow her to take my soul away? Is she my scapegoat? I wish I could have things spread out and legible in plain sight right in front of me. Is she holding me back? I know she thinks I hold her back. She could be with some anthropologist, or some type of archaeologist, and she probably would be much more interested with her life than she is now.

Do we know what we need to do, but just don't want to go through the process face to face? I don't even know what to do anymore. I love her. I'm still attracted to her. I just don't think she still thinks of me the same way. I think the flame has past with her.

Holdin Back

Somethings I feel, I don't want to say
You don't need to know, I just want play
The words stay inside, it's just not my way
You carry on; my thoughts are here to stay

You just don't get it; I don't feel like explaining
You are always right; I agree to stop the complaining
I just want to feel loved; she feels we are fading
I want to be her everything; she doesn't think I'm trying

I wish she appreciated me more
I hope she still loves me like she did before

Something has to change

I've been sleeping longer in the morning, sleeping later in the evening, and sleeping more in the afternoon. I need to stop sleeping. I love the slumber, but the tendency is building up. I have to start waking up early in the morning. I feel old saying this, but I get it now. Longer mornings/days turn into more productive days. You can't always sleep late and wake up late every night, rather every week. Right? I've got to get going, running efficiently by 11 a.m., to be satisfied with myself at the end of the day. I need to start concentrating more of my time with Anna. She deserves it from me. She has done so much for me this past year. She has given me everything this past year. As I reflect over it all, I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for her kindness, loving-heart, and compassion. I need to remember to be there for her first and foremost. I need to stop thinking about me as much. I need to include her more into my life. I need to prove to her that I am so deeply in love with her. Something has to change. It has to change to get better.

The snow has returned

Today was a great day to wake up really early, aspire to do productive things, but instead just go back to sleep due to the warmth of multiple blankets. Winter is officially among us with consistent cold weather and layering is in full effect. The strive for self-motivation is very important. Snow has made it's first appearance this late in the year. The sensation of being cold every time you walk outside has arrived for the remainder of the year. Michigan weathers really know how to catch you slipping. This also means the holiday season will be coming up soon. The bittersweet emotions of great pastime Christmas memories in contrast with being homesick and missing loved ones. Now, I have a feeling I will be spending my Christmas time with my newly found loved one, Anna Joyce Volante. Life right now includes her. My future includes her. Life is about to be us, and less about me. At first, I didn't know how to grasp that and I didn't know if I was completely ready for all of that selflessness. After long daydreams and consideration, I am at a better place with myself and that future. I have seen improvements in myself this past year. My drive, my hunger, my ambition has returned to it progressive incline. She isn't fully responsible for the return of my drive, but she does have somewhat of an impact. She is my strength, and I appreciate it everyday for that. Maybe I should show it to her more than I should.

Work harder

It's time to put your head down and work. Work like you've been doing this you're entire life. Work like it's human nature. Work like today was the last day for your deadline. Go out and focus on the main goal. Stray away from distractions and fatigue. Will yourself to become better every second. Do as if no one is looking, but everyone notices it. Be relentless, fearless, and with a purpose. Never strive for anything less than what you're capable of today. Remember today is your day if you want it.

Tuesday went by too fast

Wednesday is hours away and I'm not done with my article. I need to get it done by tonight to receive full credit. I have one source for my business story and it is my buddy Ray talking about himself and his business. I want to do him right by finishing the story and getting it published in the Eastern Echo. He could use the publicity to get his company started up in the EMU community, and I could use more worthy stories for the Eastern Echo to publish. I need to continue to write to build up my resume. I need to time manage better and do what needs to be done, without procrastination. Here I try again. 

Writing for Today

Today I write for myself and my future. I write because I need to write. I write to hopefully fight for what is right. I write for those who cannot. I write for everything that is right. I write because I write because I write because I write. Today is another day of another week towards completing my internship, my somewhat last semester as a student journalist. At the end of the year, I will be looking for a second job or possibly a paid internship. I should be more than able to finish up my final class of journalism this semester and concentrate fully on finishing up my Spanish Language minor in the Spring semester. I am excited about the finish line. I am anxious about what my future will entail. I still need to do graduate school, but I still don't know where that will end up for me. Anna has had a smoother college education than I have and is expecting herself to get into a great graduate school program. I, on the other hand, haven't done so well in my undergraduate years and the chances of me getting into a great graduate studies program might be hard to come by. I will need to do much better this upcoming year to even put myself into consideration. I need to boost my resume with internships and with experience publishing articles and pictures. I need to make myself more marketable. I feel ready for the challenge. I need the motivation to keep building and to stay consistent. It needs to come from me, and it needs to come one day at a time. I know it will happen. I have confidence that it will happen in due time.

Internship in downtown Detroit

The highlight of my day had to have been stopping to chat with Steve, the security guard outside the Compuware World Headquarters. He is a joyful older black man who says hi to everyone that passes by the parking lot of the building. I talked to him today just like I did two Mondays ago while I waited for my vanpool to leave back to Ann Arbor. Today was a long day. I woke up close to 6 in the morning, just to arrive at Sam's club where my vanpool began it's journey to downtown Detroit, 55 minutes away. I started the internship at 8 a.m. up until 4 p.m. without a lunch break working on contact information for different publications, all of this without pay. I sacrificed my entire Monday an hour away from where I reside to get the opportunity of working with the Consulate of Mexico with Spanish-speaking individuals helping out their Mexican nationalists that reside in the surrounding Detroit area. Often, I get labeled Mexican because of my appearance. I often think to myself, "I am not Mexican, I'm a Texan. I am a Xicano." I have a disposition of being a third-generation American with the label of being a Mexican by any new person that I strike a conversation with. Life is unique in the sense that I am working with Mexican nationalists, but I am the outsider. I am American, Americanized, and a Texan. I helped my boss translate "Talking points of the Mexican Government" from Spanish to English. The communication between us is shaky because of my inability to speak Spanish fluently and his inability to speak English fluently. How can we be so similar but so different at the same time?

Sundaze

Writing for thought. I must release the hardship, the fear of not doing a great job. I need to quit deviated and just learn how to do it. I need to plan better and follow through with the plans. I need to stop being distracted from the mundane and focus on the ultimate goal. This week was just another example of me getting in my own way. I am tried of routine. I feel like I'm stuck in the process of no real progression. I have tunnel vision and can't see the end. I can't see my hard work paying off. I see only more hard work to achieve and conquer. Is this what I wanted when I decided to leave my humble in south Texas. Now, I find myself pondering over what life might be for me if I never decided to push myself. I guess this is where Robert Frost's famous poem, "The road less traveled" comes to mind. If I chose this other path things wouldn't be much different. Things would still be the same difference and I would still be questioning my life's decisions and what could my life be if I decided otherwise. I must appreciate the life I live now and make best of my situation.

What bothers me about the person I am today:

1. I have gained weight and eat junk food as a remedy for my ill feelings about life
2. I am not doing so well in my classes.
3. I am more dependent on smoking marijuana than I would like myself to be
4. I work a lot and don't get paid as much as I wish I would
5. I feel like I am missing out on seeing my family grow.
6. I feel sad about not giving Anna all the things I wish I could give her.
7. I don't have a car.
8. I owe a lot of money to my mother for helping me follow my dreams.

Things that make me appreciate my life:

1. I have an apartment with electricity, heat, and water.
2. I pay my bills on time.
3. I have two jobs where I get commended for my hard work.
4. I have the most amazingly beautifully wonderful woman in the entire world, Anna Joyce.
5. I am still in school and am close to graduating with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Spanish Language.
 6. I have a loving and supportive mother and two sisters that are always there for me whenever I need it from them.

Tuesday

"It's just another day in paradise," as that guy from Tower Inn says every time I ask how he is doing. I never know if he is being sarcastic or if he is truly being honest about his outlook on life. Today I feel a little bit of both. I feel his sentiment on how I interpreted his feelings. Life is good, but it isn't. The day is upon me to make better decisions, to push myself to become someone better, someone that I know I am capable of becoming. I am just not trying. I am not putting forth the effort that I know I am more than capable of reaching. Well, today it starts. Today is the day I turned things around. OK, maybe today wasn't the day. Maybe today was the day shit just kept going like usual. Maybe, things need to progressively improve minimally each day. I like to think the latter will work. I have slowly tried to ween myself off of marijuana. I have smoked two days out of the last three weeks. I have drunk mildly less, but have consumed junk food as a remedy. I have downed pop like no other these past three weeks. I have eaten salt n' vinegar chips like it's no one's business. I have eaten my emotions away. As far as school work is concerned. It is of much concern to me. I haven't done much to stay atop of my class in attendance and in grades. I have just stopped giving a fuck, as I like to say. Things just seem to be dormant and uninteresting. I know I am more than capable, but knowing that statement to be true is good enough for me. Knowing that I can be great is fine with me right now. I am complacent, and I'm OK with that because working hard takes too much effort. What is at the end of this daunting graduation plan for me? What am I to find that I probably already know? I know that the hard work will continue and progressively get harder. I know that opportunities will arise when I decide to buckle down and take risks. I know that a prosperous life will be within my reach once I decide to take full advantage of it. And that is my problem with it all. I know this and I refuse to go forth and do it. It's easier to bitch, not do anything, make excuses, enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and just do nothing with anything. I do hate working part-time jobs though. I hate cleaning tables, standing all shift long, hearing half-ass servers complain about their meaningless lives, and catering to snobby-ass rich people who expect you to be a certain way because they are practically paying for you hard-day's work. I hate people so much sometimes. That is where my focus should be focused on. I should be focusing on really sticking it to this bitch-ass motherfuckers who take their children out to eat at fancy restaurants just so they can make a mess at their table while watching their favorites television shows on their fancy tablets which was a present to them for doing well in their school project. I should be great to stick it to those little fuckers. Fucking rich snotty little fucks. I will show them. I fucking hate these bitches. Tuesday, you win this one. Wednesday, you better see me coming.

The person I am today

Today ponder over the idea that you are the person you are meant to be in this world. You chose the paths you did and that has made you the person that sits there and reads these words. You are today what you are going to be tomorrow because of your yesterdays. The ideas, the dreams, the morals, the feelings, the goals are you, every cell of you. Never forget to remember that you are a single entity of numerous individual entities. You're everyday actions affect your perception of tomorrow, and how you will become the person you will be tomorrow. Lest we forget that we have to see the person we wish to be in the future by the actions of our today not the shortcomings of yesterday. In essence, be you. Take everything one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time. Today, I'm the person I am going to be tomorrow because of what happened to me yesterday.

Stuck in the middle with you

I love to stare at people. It puts them in a difficult, uncomfortable place in the world surrounding them. Everyone is aware of the presence of another. Sometimes you glance their way; sometimes you double glance; sometimes you stare. You stare to consume and grasp as much information as possible. You see, read, learn, and analyze every detail. You seek knowledge in their eyes, their lips, their demeanor, their body movements, and anything that gives off an indication of information. Last night, I glanced at you. I couldn't look into your brown sensitive eyes. I knew of your wrongdoing; I could see it with my own two. You didn't even want to look at my own two. You squinted your eyes smaller, so we can all seem like a blur. The sight of smoke rose from your denim jacket, like smoke rising from a hot flame in the beginning of January. It was January and you were burning like a hot flame as we stood beside each other saying our goodbyes. "Ya, you're leaving?" brown eyes asked. "Yeah, I've got to go. School starts next week, ya," brown eyes replied. It was my decision to come this late at night. My glance turned into a double glance. I was waiting for the right moment in time and in conversation to make my exit. Brown eyes wasn't on my level. I should've stopped by while the sun was still out. It would only have helped my odds out. I could've left on a good note; I could've left with a genuine smile. I left and smiled, but the smile wasn't for me. It was for someone stronger than me who never saw moments like these. It was for her, glowing in her angelic bliss. She loved me, but she didn't know. She couldn't understand why the pins were piercing my aorta. She could never tell in those two brown sensitive eyes. When I smiled, I made sure you saw it. I had to force it because it hurt. Now, I was staring. "See you in a while crocidile" another brown eyes called out as the door shut. Still I'm consuming every detail, watching every final step, and analyzing every movement of our last goodbye. The words you stumbled to articulate. The riddles you failed to share. The savvy you failed to attain. It hurt, but it felt good to see that it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. It was good to see you like so. It was the best thing I could ever see. My pain is my power. It puts power where you wish it hadn't. It puts faith in me that you won't see but you will feel when you glance into my brown eyes. So, brown eyes don't be afraid of my own two. My own two feel and see pain just like you. If my brown eyes don't bring you comfort, gain comfort in the other brown eyes that said goodbye to you. He'll work miracles sooner or later, Aligator. 

Working Saturdays

Working Saturdays are the worst. I usually wake up an hour before I have to go in, groggy and out-of-it from the night before. I drag my ass from my bedroom to the shower, to the sink, to my closet, to the fridge, to the front door of my apartment. It is all familiar; it is nearly all the same each week. Now it has become routine. Every Saturday I have to go in midday and close at 6 p.m. Every Saturday I have to see her. She sits diagonally from me. She is a sweet, nice, small young woman. From time to time, I'll see her peak over her computer and look towards the front desk. These two are best friends. She loves her friend very much. They look out for each other. Every Saturday in my time of solitude, I see her on her computer. I can't help but know she is there somehow connected to her friend in some sort of way. It scratches me like a scratch to  an open flesh wound. It hurts, and then hurts some more. I'm trying all I can to detach, move-on, forget, and then I see her. I see you with her on the second day I met you. I see her friend and you walking around downtown Ann Arbor checking out the scene. I see that crazy sunset on top of that parking garage. I see you walking in the library with a friend, and I knew somehow someway someday I was going to hang out with you. I see you freely found your way to me to speak to me for a while; i liked that. I see you inviting me out to downtown Ann Arbor with her after work. I see me and you waiting for her to come outside of the library while you chatted with another friend of yours. I didn't mind. I was happy to be with you in that perfect moment. You smiled and laughed. You were radiant in the final days of summer. Every weekend when I work my Saturday shift, I see her and think of you. I think of you wanting to watch a movie. I think of you telling me all you know about your yoga. I think of you spending the night. Now that you're gone, I can't stop thinking about you entirely. You are in my daydreams, my happy places, and my fondest recent memories. You are in my breath, my blink of an eye, my smirk of a smile, and in my gaze of deep thought. There was once a time where I enjoyed working Saturdays. I enjoyed working Saturdays when I would get off work and go see you. I enjoyed racing through campus just to get to see you  Saturdays. Now I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll switch shifts for next semester. Maybe one Saturday these memories will fade.

lovesick

wasting time, doing everything but what needs to be done, same feeling as it was before I slept, insanely wondering what she does, unable to concentrate on my life, disappointingly remembering my fuck-ups, detached from the world around me, desperately seeking for a new day/a new thought, anything to keep me away from these blues. but, here I am just a fool. who am I to think I had one moment of greatness within me to make wrongs right? So, I drench that bridge. I soak it with gasoline. I make sure every thread, every fiber swims in gasoline. I, then, blowtorch it to ash and walk away.

Closely beyond reach

she smells of heavenly sweetness. when we touch accidentally, my nerves start up. my senses rise the hairs on the back of my neck. my nose flares up with attentiveness. my eyes dilate like a druggie. my heart pumps hysterically out of control. "make the move" yells my heart. "don't, you know better" whispers my brain. she sits waiting for me to quit my stalling. I talk about everything and anything. She politely responds. I'm dying from the inside. the room instantly gets warmer. I'm torn. why must I do this to myself? I finally get the courage to announce my departure. it's late. it's been late. I slowly gather my belongings. I politely thank her for her time. I stroll to the door waiting for something, anything. nothing. my heart sinks. why must I ponder like I do? I think too much without action. sometimes I act without thinking; that's when i'm really screwed. I reach for the door knob, turn it, and exit smiling. She shrugs her shoulders signaling me to hug her. I do. I hold on for too long. I say things that shouldn't be said. she pushes me away playfully? She smiles. hiding my anxiety, I smile. the door closes. I melt.

Move it

Get up off that thang. Mind over everything. Will over slumber. Perseverance over comfort.
Find your something. Motivate your complacent thoughts. Nothing is left to hold you back.
Look for it. Pull through. I'm rooting for you. Come out of the dark. Hustle some more.

Jammed finger

I reach out to touch the sensation I get when my palm touches your skin.
The way your eyes comfort mine when I have nothing to say still lingers in my memory as if I could remember the past.
The smokey pictures I have of you tight within my grasp will soon fade away with the breeze.
She has the power to help you. You choose not to ask.
You stay content with your life. You stay trapped in your thoughts, your lies, and your "why's".
Wake up, sober up, sit upright. Shouldn't your time be now? Shouldn't you want to change?
Don't you think you need it? Don't you think you've caused enough harm?
Don't you care as much as you say you do? Do it for you. Do it for your well-being.
Do it already. What are you waiting for? You want to be on the straight and narrow, but you can't. You're jammed. You're permanently un-fix-able. ...right? Wrong.

Don't

 Speak, talk into my ear. Listen to my whispers, as you said you liked.
Hear the high pitch in my voice, the crackin' of my voice struggling to stay composed through whisper.
Stay with me tonight for old times sake. Like you did that second night.
Come hear the rain pour down beside me as we watch the leaves scream for joy.
Sit, stay and watch the hairs on our luscious locks grow oily and longer together.
Let's enjoy time running away from us, the stress melting from our hugs, and sadness hiding from our endless lovely kisses.
Smile with me as we stare into each others eyes without a thought in our mind, nor a doubt, nor a whine.
Laugh with me as I try to make you laugh, but miserably fail with comedic timing.
Dance with me to our own tune and our own groove, like it's just you and me in this world, no one else.
Look away when we go our separate ways, for I'd hate to see you go but love to watch you leave.
Rest your head on my shoulders just like you once did and give me one last soft kiss.